Searching for words to say … and I can’t find anything. It’s like … a run down house in the middle of no where that has been long abandoned … no one is there and hasn’t been for a very long time. The weeds have taken over and decay has set in… seen to the world as an eyesore… just left to rot.
Needing some major weeding to be done and some tlc. It’s been a really long time since I have felt like me, wondering if I’ve ever been me. Feeling very lost, alone and afraid of the unknown. Angered at my fragility. Hating that I fall to pieces at the drop of a hat. I shake from the inside out, through the day and I don’t know how to make it stop. Trying to keep my mind occupied on other things but suddenly overcome by reality and I fall to pieces once again. Questioning my existence and why I chose this life. What is all this pain for? Where is the bright side that everyone says is there? Trying my best to keep my eye on the horizon, hoping to see the light that always shows up just after the storm. Giving myself a pep talk every few minutes. I can do this, I am stronger than I feel, I will make it beyond this point, I will get through this storm.
I write this not for sympathy or any of the like, but to help myself heal, saying out loud what is going on inside, for so long I have kept my feelings bottled up, placing my focus on the happiness and well being of others. It’s my turn now and there is a lifetime of healing that needs to be done.