Yep today is my birthday … but instead of being happy, I’m very emotional and ready for it to end. This happens every year. I know it’s coming and I try to mentally prepare… I try to get over my obstacles but I have yet to find the trick that works.
You see I have a terrible history when it comes to my birthday, let me explain, then you’ll understand me a little bit more. Growing up I had maybe 2 parties on my birthday one when I was in 1st grade and another when I was 16. Yep that’s it. You see my mother always said she didn’t want to have a party for me because she didn’t want people to think they had to buy me something. She didn’t want others to buy me gifts. I understand that concept because it’s not about the gifts it’s about celebrating your life. It’s about those you love and care for coming together to celebrate the fact that you were born and that you exist in this world.
I understood this even at a very young age but what was hard is going to all my cousins’ birthday parties and giving them gifts and watching them be celebrated while I wasn’t worth celebrating. At least that’s certainly how it felt. I got to watch as others were celebrated and I had to participate in celebrating everyone else, including my mother’s birthday and my dad’s … oh dear would she always get upset if she wasn’t celebrated enough. She was never happy with what others did for her. Nothing was ever exactly how she wanted it.. so I had to prepare for that as well, the backlash that came with her being overly unhappy on her birthday.
So even now I have a hard time with my own birthday. I don’t know how to let go of all those years of holding in the pain. I had to always mask my feelings and just get over it. I wish I knew how to let it go and make it go away but even with all the wisdom, spirit messages and well wishes I just can’t find that magical thing that helps.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry or bad for me and I don’t want to chat about it … I just want all those years washed away and I want to not feel this way every single year. Distractions are the best … diving deep into a project or doing something completely not related to my birthday is my only way to cope and get beyond this moment.
Now you all have a little understanding for one of my worst pains.
If you see me on one of my birthdays and I’m acting what you might think is a little odd… now you’ll understand why. Just remember … it’s not you … it’s me. LOL
At least I always know that TOMORROW will be a much better day! 🙂