I knew even before I was born into this life that it was going to be difficult. I knew the struggles, the trauma, the heartache, the lonesomeness and the amount of darkness that I was walking into. I also knew that along the way I would have all those terrible moments interrupted by small glimmering moments of magic and hope. It all felt worth it, knowing what would eventually make its appearance in my story.
You see, I believe that we are all given the gift of this knowing before we are born. I believe that we each choose a particular goal, purpose or experience and the life we are about to be born into has that one thing, somewhere hidden within it. On the soul level, we all know exactly when that moment is. Once we are born into the physical world, there is a disconnect that develops as we age. The older we become, the more disconnected we are from that knowing. Those who are enlightened, have an understanding for what is truly going on and begin a journey of reconnecting to the soul.
I feel like I was born as an enlightened soul, always having that understanding and knowing. As far back as I can remember, I have felt a pull toward something amazing and wonderful. I can remember always feeling like there was purpose for everything, most of all a purpose for why I was even here. I knew there was some sort of mission that I was on. I had no idea what exactly that mission was in the beginning, but as I aged and matured, I knew. My soul ached for something very specific. There was this burning deep within the core of my being and that ache grew to be almost unbearable at times. It felt like a sadness, the deepest, darkest sadness that one could experience. So often, I even felt like quitting this life, because nothing would relieve this feeling, nothing cured the ache. I tried to fill it in so many ways, nothing worked. It was still there, still screaming at me to feed it.
So, I find myself living a life that has resulted in so many life lessons, hard life lessons at that. Some of those lessons were on repeat for what seemed like, forever. I have found ways to turn the darkness into light and I have learned how to share that light with others in hopes that it would help them turn their own darkness into light. I have found my strength and my truth, of which I share my raw, unedited journey with as many as I can reach, as a way to show them a path to finding their own strength and their own truth. It’s a way of coping and making lemonade out of lemons to help quench that thirst that stirs in the core of my being. As much as I have done over the years to fill the void, that wild, vicious hunger is still there. My true purpose still calls, beckoning like a lone wolf in the night to a moon that holds the secrets to everything he desires.
The relationship between the wolf and that moon is difficult to explain. Words don’t quite describe how painful and torturous the longing that sits so heavily inside the wolf, truly is. He knows the moon holds the secrets and he spends every night calling to the moon for help and guidance. The moon stares back with its mystical glow, almost feeling like it is taunting the wolf with its hidden knowledge. The wolf is relentless just like that ache deep inside him… he doesn’t give up, he’s not about to quit. He knows that what he aches for is out there somewhere beckoning to that same moon, for the same reasons. There is this connection that is so undeniable, he can feel it being tugged on constantly. The first part of his life, when he felt the tug, he would tug back in resistance, thinking that something was trying to push him around and force him in a direction he hadn’t chosen to go. The wolf being the wolf, the determined creature that he is, is not about to give in and allow someone or something else to control him. The moon above watches and laughs.
That tug the wolf was feeling wasn’t anything trying to control him, it was in fact that connection to another. They say we are all connected by a magical string of light. We are all connected and the ones that are our soulmates are closest to us. Physically they may or may not be so close, but along that string of light, they are the ones right beside us on the strand that stretches through everything in existence. Our soul families are on the strands beyond us. So those people we connect to the most in life are those closest to us in the strand. The bond weakens, the further it stretches, but still we are all connected. That tug the wolf felt was a calling. It was me saying, I’m this way, I’m over here… follow that pull and we will both never hunger again.
Through the years I have felt the same pull and tug that the wolf was feeling. Somehow along the way, I, just like the wolf confused others that crisscrossed our strings. Like the spiders webbing, strands lap over one another and those on other strands that over-lap ours may cross our path before we find our way to each other on our own strand. I think for the most part, when we bump into those people, we want them to be the one we are looking for on our own strand, so that the ache can finally stop. Very quickly upon meeting those people on the other strands, we know. We may refuse to acknowledge that knowing out loud for many reasons. First of all we are the WOLF, how can we be wrong? The hunger inside is still screaming, and that is something we cannot deny. Once we let go of the ego and stand in our truth, we have to let that person go and continue moving toward the real truth. It is painful and a lesson we must learn, sometimes again and again. It is also a testimony that NOTHING and I mean NOTHING feels like the truth. Once you have experienced the truth, there is no doubt, no misunderstanding, no question at all about where you are meant to be.
Over the years, through the heartache and endless searching and the endless screaming of that hunger, I have found myself hiding a lot of my true self. I hadn’t realized until recently, how much I had been hiding or I really should say, how much of myself I was downplaying. I am a wolf for crying out loud and I realize now that somewhere on this journey for one reason or another I started to mask my wild so that I could fit in a world that I didn’t belong in. It was painfully obvious.
I have been feeling a change coming for some time now. That tug was growing much stronger and feeling like what was on the other side of the strand was very close. There was no denying this feeling. I couldn’t escape it, as the tick tock of the clock continues, that feeling grows. My entire being begins to shift and vibrate at a much stronger pace than in years past. It is time. Time to meet my destiny, that reason I chose this life.
The moon has silently been the guiding force in our story. Whether it be that feeling in the night that somehow made the call more clear or through the visions that were weaved throughout our dreams, the moon has steadily lead us to this place where we are now. We stand for the moment, still reaching to one another, finding our way home. The difference is, we know where home is now and we won’t be tricked again and we’ll never take our focus off where we are meant to be. It is the one and only reason we are here.
To be continued…