This morning I was reading a post by a friend, she spoke about a dream she had that her mother was in. It turns out that her mother was a very angry, negative and abusive person. In the dream, my friend had hoped that her mother might apologize or at least show some remorse for what she had done. That, of course never happened.
I have thought about what I could say to ease the pain of that friend and had a realization that I hope helps many. You see, I know a lot about abusive people, as I have been around them far more than I like to reflect upon. I had an abusive spouse that was abusive in every way that one could be. I grew up with a mother that never saw the sunshine, only the rain. Her entire life revolved around pain and misery and she was more than happy to spread it around. Let’s not forget those abusive friendships, abusive work relationships/encounters, etc.
So, while pondering what words of advice I could give to help my friend move past this pain, I began to think about all the abusive people I’ve encountered in my lifetime. It all really came down to something so simple and true.
All the pain, misery, abuse and negativity that comes from someone is because of them. It is not because of you or anything you have done. It is not any failing on your part, but on theirs. People are angry, abusive, negative, and hurtful because of themselves and their own past. They were not born this way but somewhere down the line they allowed themselves to become it.
You are not the root of how they behave… You were just simply there.
The best way to let it all go is to forgive them for not being able to rise above their own history and become something better than what has happened to them. Forgive yourself for allowing their issues to get inside your own head and cause you pain. Forgive and let it go. Holding on to the pain doesn’t make them any better a person, it doesn’t change what they did or what they will do in the future. It changes nothing. It holds you back from moving forward and from finding your own peace. Let it go. Forgive.